There are so many things I feel like I need to get off my chest. Writing in a personal journal just wasn't motivation enough, and I never seemed to have the time for it. Somehow, writing in a blog seems different, more alluring, perhaps because of the possibility of actually having an audience.
I'm not a perfect person. I make plenty of mistakes, and I often wonder if these mistakes would come back to haunt me at some point down the road. I'm not religious in any way, so I feel almost as if I would carry these mistakes through life as my personal burdens.
So in a way, perhaps, this blog is my haven for confessions.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
something romantic
That's what I want. Despite my tomboyish teenage years, I am a sucker for romance. GB lacks the romantic gene. I bugged him about never giving me flowers ever, and he showed up to my apartment with a branch he pulled off of a bush with a cluster of flowers at the end. Cute? Definitely. Romantic? Not so much. Haha, not to mention probably un-environmentally-sound.
GB's demeanor can be summed up as quirky cute. He does things that put a smile on my face, and because I know him, I know he does them out of care. A few weeks back, I got to school much earlier than he did and toiled in lab for a couple of hours before sitting down at my desk. When I got back to my desk, there was a muffin next to my computer. Cute, right? The muffin had a bite taken out of it.
I smiled, because that's who he is. He cared to get me a muffin (which he did later admit to having stolen from some conference booth that had breakfast foods), and put his own mark on it to show his affection. He does things in his own cute quirky ways to show me that he cares.
But pretty flowers from the florist would still be nice :)
GB's demeanor can be summed up as quirky cute. He does things that put a smile on my face, and because I know him, I know he does them out of care. A few weeks back, I got to school much earlier than he did and toiled in lab for a couple of hours before sitting down at my desk. When I got back to my desk, there was a muffin next to my computer. Cute, right? The muffin had a bite taken out of it.
I smiled, because that's who he is. He cared to get me a muffin (which he did later admit to having stolen from some conference booth that had breakfast foods), and put his own mark on it to show his affection. He does things in his own cute quirky ways to show me that he cares.
But pretty flowers from the florist would still be nice :)
Friday, July 13, 2007
hungry cranky people
Ugh. GB and I went to see Transformers with a friend of his tonight, and because of some logistical/timing difficulties, we ended up going to a 8:30pm showing without having had any dinner. By the time we got out around 11pm, neither one of us could really think of a place with an operational kitchen.
During the entire movie, he fidgeted with my hand. He was either biting my finger, or biting down on my nail, or shifting my ring around, or trying to put my fist in his mouth, etc. etc. I was getting pretty annoyed at this, but didn't say much.
Post-movie, I mentioned that it was annoying. He made a face and said sorry.
We got in my car, dropped off his friend, and started driving home while brainstorming places to eat. At this point, I was beyond hungry that I kinda just wanted to go home, but he always claims disfunctionality during extreme hunger, so he wanted to go someplace. So I snapped a bit and told him that he can go wherever he wants to, and I'll figure out something once we get to where he wants to go.
He then said something along the lines of "I am really restraining myself right now."
I threw up my hands and gave him a questioning look ... as in, "Seriously, what the f-? What are you restraining yourself from doing?"
He then said very angrily that he gets a temper when he is hungry, and he is not going to put up with any of this. (Putting up with what???)
I snapped back that at least I don't bite people's fingers.
He jumped out of the car , and slammed the door behind him and started walking down the street. I had no idea what he was so angry over, so I slowed down in front of him and gestured through the window "What the hell is going on?" with my hands.
He angrily threw his hands up in the air, gave me a nasty look, and shoved his hands forward telling me to keep going. It was a busy street; cars were honking behind me, so I drove off. As I drove off, I looked for a place further up the street to pull over, but there were none. So I just kept going and came home.
Should I have coaxed him back in the car? I mean, seriously, what the f-?? I'm angry that he jumped out of my car (moving car!) in traffic and slammed the hell out of my door. What was he even so angry about? Was it just because he was super cranky because he was hungry?
I don't know what I should have done. Maybe I should have just waited for him, even if it meant stopping in traffic. I didn't know what to do in the middle of the busy street ....
During the entire movie, he fidgeted with my hand. He was either biting my finger, or biting down on my nail, or shifting my ring around, or trying to put my fist in his mouth, etc. etc. I was getting pretty annoyed at this, but didn't say much.
Post-movie, I mentioned that it was annoying. He made a face and said sorry.
We got in my car, dropped off his friend, and started driving home while brainstorming places to eat. At this point, I was beyond hungry that I kinda just wanted to go home, but he always claims disfunctionality during extreme hunger, so he wanted to go someplace. So I snapped a bit and told him that he can go wherever he wants to, and I'll figure out something once we get to where he wants to go.
He then said something along the lines of "I am really restraining myself right now."
I threw up my hands and gave him a questioning look ... as in, "Seriously, what the f-? What are you restraining yourself from doing?"
He then said very angrily that he gets a temper when he is hungry, and he is not going to put up with any of this. (Putting up with what???)
I snapped back that at least I don't bite people's fingers.
He jumped out of the car , and slammed the door behind him and started walking down the street. I had no idea what he was so angry over, so I slowed down in front of him and gestured through the window "What the hell is going on?" with my hands.
He angrily threw his hands up in the air, gave me a nasty look, and shoved his hands forward telling me to keep going. It was a busy street; cars were honking behind me, so I drove off. As I drove off, I looked for a place further up the street to pull over, but there were none. So I just kept going and came home.
Should I have coaxed him back in the car? I mean, seriously, what the f-?? I'm angry that he jumped out of my car (moving car!) in traffic and slammed the hell out of my door. What was he even so angry about? Was it just because he was super cranky because he was hungry?
I don't know what I should have done. Maybe I should have just waited for him, even if it meant stopping in traffic. I didn't know what to do in the middle of the busy street ....
Thursday, July 12, 2007
*sigh*
Reading back on that last entry, I really sounded like a big immature brat. In the end, it's not a big deal whether or not his pictures are actually tagged, but it still rubs me the wrong way how passive aggressive Key is being on this whole issue.
Anyway, enough about Key. I'll update soon on GB. There's even some news about Willow.
Anyway, enough about Key. I'll update soon on GB. There's even some news about Willow.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
giving me the run-around
I was down in DC a couple of weekends ago for a college friend's wedding. Before I went, I sent an email to some buddies from college still in that area asking if they would be free to grab brunch either day of the weekend. I debated back and forth whether or not to include Key, and really the debate came down to whether or not I wanted to make the first contact with him since he gave me the run-around about dinner back in February/March.
In the end, since I was including both of his roommates, I didn't want it to seem like I was purposefully excluding him, so I included him on the email. Everyone replied back (to all) that they were available, yet Key wrote nothing.
So down to DC I went. He & his roommates happened to be having a housewarming party Saturday night, and his roommate invited me to come along. The next morning, all of us (Key included) went to get brunch as well. Everything seemed great. He gave me a really tight hug when he first saw me; there was no awkwardness; he even came to pick me up the next morning to drive me to the brunch location.
I took some pictures, and upon getting back to Boston, I uploaded them to Facebook. Facebook allows you to tag people in your pictures, to name them and such, so I tagged everyone who was at brunch in the picture. A day later, I noticed that Key had removed his tag, which was rather strange. You only untag a picture when you don't like the picture, and I thought it was a good picture of everybody.
So I emailed him asking why he untagged the picture. He claimed that people were making fun of his "man-boobs" (barely noticeable) in the picture, so he untagged himself. I said I thought it was a fine picture, and I tagged him again.
I just checked Facebook again and noticed that not only did he untag himself again, he no longer any tagged pictures. Strange? I think this is strange.
I think he's giving me the run-around again. Maybe he's still "uncomfortable" with whatever, and he didn't want a picture that had him and me in it. Maybe his current girlfriend would throw a hissy fit if she saw the picture. I'm insistent on continuing to tag him because I want a straight answer from him. I don't want the run-around excuse of an email saying that he doesn't like the picture. Maybe I'm being particularly insolent. Whatever, I don't care. I feel like I deserve to know the truth.
In the end, since I was including both of his roommates, I didn't want it to seem like I was purposefully excluding him, so I included him on the email. Everyone replied back (to all) that they were available, yet Key wrote nothing.
So down to DC I went. He & his roommates happened to be having a housewarming party Saturday night, and his roommate invited me to come along. The next morning, all of us (Key included) went to get brunch as well. Everything seemed great. He gave me a really tight hug when he first saw me; there was no awkwardness; he even came to pick me up the next morning to drive me to the brunch location.
I took some pictures, and upon getting back to Boston, I uploaded them to Facebook. Facebook allows you to tag people in your pictures, to name them and such, so I tagged everyone who was at brunch in the picture. A day later, I noticed that Key had removed his tag, which was rather strange. You only untag a picture when you don't like the picture, and I thought it was a good picture of everybody.
So I emailed him asking why he untagged the picture. He claimed that people were making fun of his "man-boobs" (barely noticeable) in the picture, so he untagged himself. I said I thought it was a fine picture, and I tagged him again.
I just checked Facebook again and noticed that not only did he untag himself again, he no longer any tagged pictures. Strange? I think this is strange.
I think he's giving me the run-around again. Maybe he's still "uncomfortable" with whatever, and he didn't want a picture that had him and me in it. Maybe his current girlfriend would throw a hissy fit if she saw the picture. I'm insistent on continuing to tag him because I want a straight answer from him. I don't want the run-around excuse of an email saying that he doesn't like the picture. Maybe I'm being particularly insolent. Whatever, I don't care. I feel like I deserve to know the truth.
Monday, June 25, 2007
this beard issue
GB has had a beard since his freshmen year of college (seven years ago). He shaved it once about a year ago just to test it out, and I've been bugging him to shave it again because I want to see his face (see point #5). I like beards just as much as the next girl over, but I like it for the scruffiness of an outdoorsy type, not for an everyday thing that's been trimmed five times over.
Every once in a while, something triggers my bringing up his beard, and today I asked him if he would ever consider shaving his beard. He asked why, and I answered "so I can see what it's like!" He argued that he shaved it a year ago and hated it.
So I said "Well, I didn't get to see it a year ago when you did shave it."
He replied stubbornly, "well, whose fault is that?"
I joked, "We weren't dating then, so it's your fault for not pursuing me."
This went back and forth, playfully for a while until I suddenly realized that perhaps I was annoying him with my persistent insistence that I'd like to see him clean-shaven. And sure enough, he soon came out full-force with his self-righteous logic:
"Well, it's MY face and MY appearance. You don't get to decide how it looks. I decide. I said that maybe one day, you'll get lucky, and I'll shave my beard, but that's not on YOUR schedule. That's on MY schedule, and you don't get to dictate that. You have no right. You're overstepping your bounds. In fact, you don't even have a right to ask me to do this. That's already overstepping yours bounds."
That really hit me hard. I know that I don't have a right to tell him what to do, but at the same time, I never thought of things as being that clear-cut, nor do I think they should be. In a way, we all surrender some rights by being in a relationship. Some stranger on the street certainly has no right to tell me how to dress, but my boyfriend making a comment about my shirt is gonna get more of my attention.
I feel pretty stuck on this argument (as I do with most arguments with him). I can't argue his logic; of course I have no RIGHT to ask him to shave his beard. He's right: it's not my face; it's his. But I feel like I should have the privilege of asking because I'm more a part of his life than anybody else right now, and he should take my request more seriously instead of dismissing it immediately because no one should have the right to tell him what to do with his beard.
Was I out of line to ask him? Is he right that I have no right to do so? Maybe I should have just dropped it altogether. I dunno.
I feel pretty hurt right now, but I know he feels self-righteous. So once again, I feel like I need to swallow up my hurt and go say "I'm sorry baby, you're right, I don't have a right to ask you to shave your beard. You should be able to wear it however you want." Which is how most of our arguments end, with me apologizing for something that I didn't feel I was out-of-line for.
*sigh* relationships.
Every once in a while, something triggers my bringing up his beard, and today I asked him if he would ever consider shaving his beard. He asked why, and I answered "so I can see what it's like!" He argued that he shaved it a year ago and hated it.
So I said "Well, I didn't get to see it a year ago when you did shave it."
He replied stubbornly, "well, whose fault is that?"
I joked, "We weren't dating then, so it's your fault for not pursuing me."
This went back and forth, playfully for a while until I suddenly realized that perhaps I was annoying him with my persistent insistence that I'd like to see him clean-shaven. And sure enough, he soon came out full-force with his self-righteous logic:
"Well, it's MY face and MY appearance. You don't get to decide how it looks. I decide. I said that maybe one day, you'll get lucky, and I'll shave my beard, but that's not on YOUR schedule. That's on MY schedule, and you don't get to dictate that. You have no right. You're overstepping your bounds. In fact, you don't even have a right to ask me to do this. That's already overstepping yours bounds."
That really hit me hard. I know that I don't have a right to tell him what to do, but at the same time, I never thought of things as being that clear-cut, nor do I think they should be. In a way, we all surrender some rights by being in a relationship. Some stranger on the street certainly has no right to tell me how to dress, but my boyfriend making a comment about my shirt is gonna get more of my attention.
I feel pretty stuck on this argument (as I do with most arguments with him). I can't argue his logic; of course I have no RIGHT to ask him to shave his beard. He's right: it's not my face; it's his. But I feel like I should have the privilege of asking because I'm more a part of his life than anybody else right now, and he should take my request more seriously instead of dismissing it immediately because no one should have the right to tell him what to do with his beard.
Was I out of line to ask him? Is he right that I have no right to do so? Maybe I should have just dropped it altogether. I dunno.
I feel pretty hurt right now, but I know he feels self-righteous. So once again, I feel like I need to swallow up my hurt and go say "I'm sorry baby, you're right, I don't have a right to ask you to shave your beard. You should be able to wear it however you want." Which is how most of our arguments end, with me apologizing for something that I didn't feel I was out-of-line for.
*sigh* relationships.
Monday, June 18, 2007
not that I generally wish this on people ...
A few weeks ago, I ran into an acquaintance at a celebration reception for a retiring member of our school's top administration. In typical chit-chat fashion, we went through the formalities of asking each other what was new. His answer was typically cryptic, that so much was new, but he didn't have the time nor desire to go through all of it at that particular moment.
Okay ... Well, good day, and good luck on everything; I'm going to get another drink, and I'm sure I'll see you around. *Fake teeth-flashing smile* (Not).
To his credit, he did throw me a bone and allude to the fact that his wife of two years and he had recently separated, to which I made an empathetic face and expressed my concern. I gave my well-wishes, saying something vague and empty like "All relationships are hard. Good luck."
After I turned away to "get another drink", my actual thought was, "I wouldn't be surprised if your wife left you because you're an arrogant prick". This sentiment stems back to when I first met him some two years ago, realized that he was married to a cute girl, and immediately gawked to myself wondering just who in the world would marry this asshole.
Last week, Facebook declared both Uber-Prick and ex-wife to be single, so I guess they really are going through with the divorce (both of them are under 25!). Not that I generally wish this on people, but I kinda feel a sense of vigilante justice that he got what he deserved.
Okay ... Well, good day, and good luck on everything; I'm going to get another drink, and I'm sure I'll see you around. *Fake teeth-flashing smile* (Not).
To his credit, he did throw me a bone and allude to the fact that his wife of two years and he had recently separated, to which I made an empathetic face and expressed my concern. I gave my well-wishes, saying something vague and empty like "All relationships are hard. Good luck."
After I turned away to "get another drink", my actual thought was, "I wouldn't be surprised if your wife left you because you're an arrogant prick". This sentiment stems back to when I first met him some two years ago, realized that he was married to a cute girl, and immediately gawked to myself wondering just who in the world would marry this asshole.
Last week, Facebook declared both Uber-Prick and ex-wife to be single, so I guess they really are going through with the divorce (both of them are under 25!). Not that I generally wish this on people, but I kinda feel a sense of vigilante justice that he got what he deserved.
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