Well, that didn't last long

HB's visit to Boston was phenomenal, so fantastic that I didn't have time to write because I wanted to spend every minute with him. While he was here, we also decided to give us a shot. Yes, we defined the relationship. He became my man (which I think sounds better than boyfriend), and I became his girl(friend).

Unfortunately, all that shimmers in this world is sure to go away. So on August 2nd, HB flew back to Beijing. At first, things were still going well. Then he became consumed by the idea of moving back to the US and the accompanying job search process. Then I became a ball of panic regarding my grad school situation and just when exactly I'll be able to graduate.

All of this came to a head yesterday. And we broke up.

My reasoning was that we were not the right influences for each other. I have a hard time motivating myself and want a partner who can help to provide me with motivation, and/or talk me into having more internal motivation. I felt that HB wasn't that person and thus not providing the support that I really need right now. With him then being 7000 miles away, it seemed pointless to pursue a relationship. I'm not getting anything out of it, and he's not close enough to hold me and f- me to make it worthwhile.

He on the other hand feels just as lost as I am in terms of looking for a job that would be along the lines of his current career trajectory. On top of that, he came to realize a couple of things about himself that are very big issues that he needs to work out. The potential conclusion from his working out these issues could very well be that I am no longer the right person for him. I don't know if I can stick around to help him through these issues providing all the support that I can, only to have him tell me in the end that he can't be with me.

These issues, by the way, are completely out of my control. Issue #1 is with his mother, feeling that she's always let him down his whole life. Issue #2 is with his sexuality, feeling that he might be gay or bisexual. Bisexual I can deal with. Gay is obviously a dealbreaker.

So we're done. We're through. Exactly a month after we officially started dating (July 17), we broke up. Maybe this isn't forever, and maybe we've become one of those troubled couples who go through multiple cycles of breaking up and getting back together ... but that doesn't seem all that healthy, does it?

Either way, that's it. I'm back to being single. I miss him, a lot, but I don't cry about HB the way that I cried about Broadway. Maybe that's because I've known Broadway for so much longer.

My next goal is to soul search. Find the values that are core to my needs as a woman and core to my needs in a partner. I'm not ruling out that HB can be that partner (yes, I do think we will get back together), but I need to know what I want in a partner without a current partner whose very status as my partner jeopardizes my objectivity.

Grrrr, sometimes I do wish I weren't such a nerdy engineer. Love isn't so objective and logical after all. If only I could not over-analyze everything.

New developments

I've been working like crazy the last week or so in preparation for my meeting with my advisor this morning. It looks like I am on track to graduate soon-ish. What a relief. I just want to get out of this place. Granted, I took some time off with the whole China stint, but this coming September still marks the 7th year from when I started this program back in 2004. Yikes, that's a long time.

In other news, HB is going to be in Boston in less than an hour!

I know. Craziness.

It started with that commitment we talked about where I can look, but I can't touch. Then he found an awesome flight deal on Air Canada to fly from Beijing to North America. We contemplated his coming here for a while and decided that we were both super excited about it, so he looked into the Air Canada deal, only to find that they don't have any available flights until late October (what??).

That completely bummed us out. It's one thing to think it an impossibility to see each other. It's another to build up hopes that we can see each other, only to have them utterly dashed.

Since regular fare flights are about $2k from Beijing to Boston roundtrip, he was really iffy on whether or not he would still be able to come to Boston. That's when I stepped in and offered to pay for half his ticket.

His response? "Seriously? Wow, if you're offering that, I would book a ticket in a heartbeat."

Which is exactly what he did, last Tuesday. He timed it coincide with the end of my meeting with my advisor so that we can celebrate together. I can't wait to see him.

Emotions

Today, I feel good about HB. Despite all the uncertainties, I feel that we would make a great couple, and that I want to be with him. How will I feel tomorrow? I don't know.

But today, I felt great, and I told him so in our 5-hour conversation this morning (morning my time, evening his time since Beijing is 12 hours ahead and all). We talked about how I have a pseudo lunch date tomorrow with that guy from this past weekend, and he joked that he will go to sleep early so that he would be asleep during my date as opposed to awake and freaking out.

One thing I really like about HB is that I feel comfortable talking to him. I feel safe telling him just about anything, and we talk so openly about everything. I don't feel judged in my thoughts or actions that I secretly am slightly ashamed by. I just tell him about it, and then we talk about how it affects us and makes both of us feel. It's great. It's the most open I've been with anybody in a relationship, even though we're not technically in a relationship.

His question to me at the end of today's conversation was whether or not I can promise him to not sleep with any guys before we see each other in October. I can go out and flirt all I want and garner all the attention of all the men that I want, but at the end of the day, I can't kiss them, and I can't sleep with them. Anything in the baseball diamond analogy of hooking up would be off-limits, but I can flirt all I want.

I think I can do it ... but I'm afraid I think that today because today I feel good about HB. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like this is all a big mistake.

Who knows? But today I told HB that I would give it a shot. And in essence, I am giving him and me a shot. Long-distance, here I come?

Yikes, I'm freaking out.

the monthly update

As if my life weren't already complicated enough, I just threw in a whole bunch of additional factors this week. The rational, cautious side of me is freaking out. The go-with-the-flow side of me doesn't know what the big deal is: I should just go with the flow.

Broadway and I have been broken up for about a month. I completely moved out 3 weeks ago. I have absolutely loved the independence. But I think about Broadway a lot. I think about all the wrong that I did him, all the pain that I've inflicted on him, and I wish so badly that I could tell him any minute now that I've thought things over and decided that he is the love of my life, now that I've had some time and space to be myself, I've come to realize how big of a mistake it was to push him out of my life.

But I can't say that. And that makes me cry. I miss him, I really do. Most of the time, I can rationalize it away and convince myself that missing him is all a part of any grieving process following a breakup. We were together for more than three years. He came to be a central part of my life, my rock, my partner. I couldn't imagine writing an important email to my advisor/boss/coworker/friend without having him read it, and now I have to write all my emails on my own. He was my best friend, someone I'd go to for advice, someone I'd want to hold me and kiss me and smooth out my hair when I was upset. Someone I would laugh with uninhibitedly. Someone who knew all my faults and insecurities and knew when I was letting them dictate my actions or inactions.

And now I am alone again in this world. Of course I would cry.

But then at times like last week, I feel yet again that I can't live without him. The impulsive side of me wanted to call him to get lunch/coffee/dinner so that we can start dating again and starting fresh. The rational side of me rightfully controlled that urge, and this week I am back to just missing him. Missing him but knowing (for now) that breaking up was the right decision.

HB and I have had our difficulties as well. He wants things. He expects things. He was ecstatic that I am now available and has said all along that he would want to give things between us a shot if/when I become available. Knowing that helped push me through the breakup with Broadway. I think I would have stayed with Broadway otherwise, out of comfort and familiarity.

Now that I am single (it feels weird to say), I find it really hard to start something new with HB. Firstly, it wouldn't be new. We've had so much tumultuous history already, and the foundations of our relationship aren't exactly based on trust and fidelity. Small things about him bother me (yes, it's already gotten to that point), and I find that I don't respect him. Well, that's not true. I respect him as a general person, but I don't respect his intelligence.

Last week when I was impulsively wanting to go back to Broadway, I impulsively wanted to tell HB that we should stop talking to each other. That if it were meant to be, it will happen in the future. Besides, he's in Beijing right now some 7000 miles and 12-hour time difference away.

It made sense at the time: I need space from my previous relationship; I need time to myself; I need to be single and independent and go out and have fun. And with Broadway no longer in the picture, HB's become the new Broadway holding me back from some hypothetical glamorous lifestyle that I would for sure be leading if I didn't feel some connection/guilt to some man halfway around the world.

Besides, my parents already don't like him. My impulsive and irrational mother has already forbade me to pursue anything with "that man in Beijing." Broadway may not have been all that realistic in his lofty ambitions of becoming an Ivy League professor (I always doubted that he would achieve this, which never was very healthy), but at least he was good on paper: Ivy League undergrad, MIT PhD. HB has a psych degree from a small midwestern liberal arts college. I've heard of it, but my parents undoubtedly have not. He has no advanced degrees to speak of (nor any desire for any) and has essentially been puttering around China the last seven years teaching English, worked for an NGOs, and now holds a job (albeit a good one by Asian standards) that only exists for white people in Asia.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't compare HB's paper credentials to Broadway or that the serious differential doesn't bother me. It does, but I think on my own, I can get over it. I'm more worried about my superficial Asian parents.

That aside, HB does add stress to my life right now, which is why I want to cut him out of it. I've made it very clear to him that I am in no position to commit to him right now, and I don't know when I will be able to. He's made it abundantly clear that I am what he wants right now, and he is willing to move back to the States as early as December to make it happen. But even then, he would move back to Chicago (where his family is). While Chicago is much better than Beijing, it's still long-distance. Do I really want to start a relationship long-distance?

Do I really want to start a relationship with HB?

The sex is phenomenal. But a relationship? I don't know.

The additional complication is that I met a couple of new guys this past weekend. Well, one isn't completely new. We have some mutual friends and have met before, but we reconnected when our friend circles collided this weekend. He got my number. He invited a bunch of people to his place Saturday to watch the USA/Ghana game, and we hung out a bunch. We're going to get lunch, just him and me, on Thursday. I feel guilty with regards to HB, and I haven't decided whether or not to tell him.

The second guy was more random: a friend of a friend who happened to be having birthday celebrations at the same bar my friends and I were at. I'm not remotely interested, but somehow got cornered into giving him my phone number. I did tell HB about this and asked for his advice, as a guy, for how a girl should/can get out of giving her phone number graciously.

This conversation made him emotional, and he flipped out a bit thinking about my going out to bars and flirting with guys and giving out my phone numbers. He rightly caught himself, realizing that he was in no place to get jealous about what I was or wasn't doing with other men because he's not my anything.

HB's sister is getting married in Chicago in October. He asked me to go with him a while back, and not knowing any better, I said I would. But I think that is somewhat in limbo right now.

I do want to write in here more often, more frankly. If nothing else, I would have something to go back and read a year from now.

dismantling my life

I am back in Boston, and it's a mess.

Broadway and I are on the verge of breaking up. We are seeing a couples therapist, but my heart isn't really in it. I am moving out in about three weeks, and he slept at a friend's last night.

How did we get here? Let's go back to the HIM in Beijing. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he couldn't stop thinking about me. The mutual attraction was too much, and we both stayed away as much as we could stand (probably not as much as we should have).

About mid-March, Broadway got the first hint that something wasn't quite right when I told him that I wanted to extend my stay in Beijing for a couple of weeks. What's a couple of weeks, I argued? I was partially motivated by wanting to spend more time with HIM, but told Broadway I just wanted more time in Beijing. In mid-April, I broke the news to Broadway that I was getting cold feet about our getting married, but that we should wait until I get back to Boston to talk more and evaluate.

Meanwhile in Beijing, HE and I made out toward the end of February against our better judgment. A few weeks later, we made out in his bed, in our underwear, against our better judgment. A few weeks after that, a group of us (8 people total, I think) took a trip together, and HE and I shared a fancy hotel room where we just barely missed home plate. Two weeks after that, in mid-April after I told Broadway I was getting cold feet, HE and I slept together.

Then we continued to sleep together all the way until I left for Boston on April 28. We kept count, and fudging a little, we got to 30. 28 with no fudging, but we were shooting for 30 as a birthday present for his 30th.

I didn't tell Broadway right away after getting back, but sort of "let" him discover it (left my computer on during chat with HIM, with Broadway next to me, while I went to the bathroom). Of course Broadway wanted to know who this man was who was calling me "baby" over gchat.

Broadway was angry, hurt, but surprisingly didn't leave. After calming down a bit, he wanted to stay and work things out. That's when we started seeing the therapist, because Broadway wanted me to honestly give things one last shot. We then communicated more honestly than we probably have at any point in our relationship. A lot of hurtful things we may have wanted to say at one point or another came out that we previously held back on, and I think we both understand our relationship a lot better.

So where are we now? We are still seeing the therapist, but we talk so much in between our weekly sessions that the therapist just constantly plays catch-up. I am moving out, and I think that's where Broadway and I see the hard cut off to our relationship.

As for HIM in Beijing (HB?), we emailed, IMed, and talked on the phone a bunch when I first got back, but realized soon that it was unhealthy for both of us and thus agreed on no communications until I figured out all my sh*t with Broadway. HB told me before we cut everything off that once I figured out everything, and if that decision puts me in a position that I am available, he would want to give things between us a shot.

HB also named a caveat to the no-communication rule, that he wanted to hear my voice on his birthday, tomorrow. Otherwise, he wanted me to only call him when I've reached a decision and conclusion about Broadway, whether that was to leave Broadway or that I would stay to try to make things work.

I made the decision to move out last week and found an apartment quickly through a good friend. I thought I could wait until HB's birthday to call and tell him the good news, but I broke down and called him today, a day early.

I have to say that my head is a mess right now, that I am very conflicted about a lot of different things.

It's a very long road ahead.

HIM

I can't stop thinking about him. I sit here trying to get work done, trying to think about Broadway, but instead I just think back to how cute he looked when we got lunch yesterday. The beautiful smile, the witty jokes, the gray scarf ... staring into his eyes at the lunch where we agreed to talk as adults about what's going on between us.

To the average girl, I don't think he would stand out. Aside from being tall and slightly blonde (kept short in a crew cut), he has a plain face, wears glasses, keeps a scraggly beard, could lose a few pounds ... all in all, not a heart throb, just your average Joe. But I'm super attracted to him. I love the way he laughs, I love the look in his eyes when he looks at me, I love the shy smile he gives when we catch each other looking at each other across a big dinner table.

I love the way that he always makes me laugh.

I love that he's intelligent, an active thinker, a writer, a right-brain user, a bit of a space cadet but not too much, a clear idealist, but not too much to be unwilling to work for the man for a few years, buying time and saving to do what he's really passionate about. I love that he derives joy from the community around him, that he feeds off of the energy of others, of close friends, of valued relationships. I love that he is a good person, always aiming to do what's right.

He makes me question Broadway. Things that I previously couldn't wait to do with Broadway: take vacations together, get married, snuggle up next to him as we fall asleep, make babies, live out the rest of our lives ... all that have lost their luster as I see each activity as further evidence that I can't do these things with him. I muster up the energy in the mornings to call Broadway before he goes to sleep 13 hours behind in Boston, but it's not genuine excitement. I'm happy when Broadway doesn't want to talk because he's on the road to New York with his mother. I'm happy because I feel guilty talking to Broadway because I know I will be thinking about HIM the whole time.

I want to spend all of my time with him, but he's gone into self-preservation mode, and I can't blame him. He told me that his goal in this situation is not to get too hurt. He knows he will be hurt, especially when I leave Beijing in April, so all he can do is try to minimize the pain, so all he can do is refrain from seeing me too much.

He doesn't have to say anything, I know he wants to spend all of his time with me too. I know he doesn't because he is holding himself back. I know he needs to do that for himself. I understand, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept. I know that he's the good guy here who is doing this for both of us, but the selfish part of me wants him to throw all caution to the wind and just kiss me ... and more.

Yes, I'm thinking the unthinkable. I'm thinking the unthinkable about the engagement. How can I not when I feel such a connection with another person? I wouldn't be leaving Broadway for the obvious reason of wanting to be with another man, but I'd be leaving Broadway because my affections are so ethereal, so fickle, so unable to withstand the test of time. Is this new passion with someone else exciting because it's new? It's hard to remember the same level of passion with Broadway, but maybe it's just been too long, and my memory's clouded. I don't know if I should be marrying someone when I question these things.

Every day that passes is one day fewer that I'll get to see him. I leave Beijing in mid-April. That's 1 month and 3 weeks left. He leaves for Japan for a week (or two?) early March. That's 1 month and 2 weeks left. Each day he self-preserves is one day less that I can see him.

Beijing's not just another city anymore. It's the city that contains him.

I don't want to leave Beijing. I want all the time in the world to spend with him.

In trouble again

It's been a long time since I've noticed other men for more than platonic reasons. Broadway and I had a ton of ups and downs earlier in our relationship. I questioned being with him and compared him with lots of guys around me and wondered why I was with Broadway and not with these other men.

But for the past year, year and a half, we have been so happy and so content. It's not that I haven't met other men whom I've found physically attractive. I have, but I've hardly ever been attracted to their personalities. Now I compare Broadway to these men and thank the lord that I'm with Broadway, that he is real, that he is a good person, that he sees the world the way that he does. There's nothing wrong with these other attractive men, they're nice people, but they are not the kind of people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

For the past week or so though, I've developed a deeper connection with someone. The same things that draw me to Broadway draw me to this guy, and I'm reminded of emotional cheating. Even if you aren't actually cheating physically, the emotional longing still feels wrong. Unlike physical cheating where you can stop yourself, emotional longing doesn't feel as controllable. How do I stop the emotional connection I feel with someone?

This guy knows about Broadway and knows that we are engaged. He says it's the most frustrating unrequited love ever. It's not technically unrequited, just impossible.